A little recap and update on my life in 2010.

So I've had an interesting passed year. This time last year my fiancee and I had just broken up and we were trying to still be friends, unsuccessfully. I was still at the University of Windsor for my History degree. I was not exactly in my best frame of mind.

Since then:
- I've gotten over my ex, and we truly have become friends again.
- I started my RMT course @ CCHST in September of this year and I'm done my first Term! In January I'm starting Term 2 and clinic!!! *bites nails* ... Oh wait, I don't have any left (don't wanna cut people while massaging them)!
- I went through a long distance crush/fling with a truly amazing guy in Toronto, who I do love, but not in a way that anything could work out with and I've come to terms with it. I will love him forever, but it's slowly developing into a different kind of love, not a pressing-need to talk all the time kind of infatuation, but a mature, friends with strong feelings of the sexual variety for each other kind of relationship, and I think in the end will be one of those grown up relationships where we are friends who have slept together in the passed, and had a lot of fun, but realize it wont work out.
- I spent a lot of time this passed summer hanging out with some friends from the history department and one of my friends who was dating on of those guy friends. [To avoid confusion we'll call them Tom, Bob and Sue. Tom and Bob were in History with me, Sue I met through a high school friend. Bob and Sue were dating]. We got to know each other very well and then Bob broke up with Sue and it got awkward for a while so I didn't see any of them. Then I started hanging out with the Tom and Bob at the Pub once a week or so, and then Bob and I started flirting and he kissed me, but we decided not to do anything because of the not wanting to hurt Sue's feelings. He started to hang out with me and my friends on Thursday nights for jeopardy, big bang theory and shit my dad says. Then we started hanging out once or twice a week. Then we slept together. It's been a developing thing for 4 or 5 months now, but I'm starting to get to the point where I think I could seriously date Bob and really be happy, perhaps even have a long term relationship with him (my family even likes him!!!).
- Since we haven't talked about exclusivity, I started talking to a guy online from Toronto, Winter by screen name, who was pretty much amazing. He's a really big nerd, Norseman, kinky, really funny, and seems to be very taken with me.
- I was very torn for a while between my mature T.O. friend w/benefits; Winter, and Bob. Then I realized that my T.O. friend would always be just that - a guy I talked to all the time online, but unless I moved to Toronto it would never become anything but a hookup whenever I was in Toronto. If I moved to Toronto... it's not even a for sure thing in that case. With Winter, he's awesome, but everything I like about him, I have in Bob (and he's in Windsor, not Toronto), and I have a shot at being really happy with him. The only problem - Sue. When I came to her about him kissing me, asking what I should do, she told me to go for it, but then the next day flipped out and told me she couldn't be friends with me if I were to date Bob. So I've decided that if she was a real friend, and not being immature and selfish, she would realize that he and I are awesome together and be happy for me, even if it hurt her for a while. So... I'm not going to rush things, or jump into a relationship, and push it into directions or speeds it's not ready for. I'm going to go for Bob. I've come to the point in my life where I need to make myself happy, and the rest will work out as it may, I needn't worry about it. So that's what I'm going to so.

I'm not sure where it will all lead, or how it will go. But insofar as I can see, there is no downside to Bob. He's funny, amazing, nerdy, cooks, loves history, books, movies, is pagan(recently discovered Norse and figuring it out on his own), really smart, social and hermit-like at the same time (like me!), gets along with my friends and family and I cannot find a single thing I don't like about him (except maybe the kissing style when we first started kissing... I don't know if I'm just getting used it, he's adapting to my kissing style, or both, but it's better now)... oh, yeah, and he wears a kilt every-so-often and likes kinky things too. So I'm just going to coast my way from here, but I've decided I want to date him, whenever it happens. When I brought it up, he didn't freak out, and he came to my family xmas party tonight and didn't freak out about anything, even the drunken uncles. Plus we were kind of cuddling on the couch most of the night and I'm pretty sure a couple of people even called him my bf and he didn't correct them, or ask me why I didn't. I really like him. It's kinda perfect.

So that's been my 2010... and I am excited to start into 2011 and see where it all goes!

Contemplation of Yule

I had a great conversation with my Gurumanda today and it helped me get my mind off of school for a moment and get into thinking about paganism again and I realized how much I've been lacking in that area while I've been so focused on school.

Lately I've noticed that I haven't really "gotten into the spirit of the season" ... mostly noticed because I've been very "bah-humbug" in protest of having my ears perpetually noise-raped by Christmas music and the people wishing you a "Merry Christmas" and all that capitalistic 'buy these outrageously priced gifts or no one will love you' messages you see in the media this time of year. But I think it has affected the way I see Yule too. Which startled me into realizing that I'd lumped Yule in with Christmas and that's just not right - even if Christmas is a copyright infringement against Yule in the first place, they are totally different things in today's society.

Christmas is the over-decorated, ear-raping, forced happy, capitalism-milking consumerist holiday that starts taking over the airwaves and television commercials and stores before Halloween is even put back in the closet for the year. To me, this is insanity with a pretty bow. I cannot stand this holiday. I used to be the little girl in cute pjs with rumpled hair waking up at 6:58 and waiting with baited breath for the clock to strike 7am so I could run into my older brother's room, wake him up and then catapult onto our parents bed to wake them up for PRESENTS!!! I quite literally believed in Santa and the reindeer until I was at least 11. Possibly as old as 13. Yes. Lame, I know, but all the same, it was part of the magic of it all.

I have since lost this magic when I got old enough to have to spend my own money on presents, learned about the origins of the holiday and rejected the Father, Son and Holy Spirit as my brainwashing zombie-making faith of choice and discovered the nature religions and the history I love gets to take part in my everyday life. I learned about and began practicing a new belief, based off of older paths than Christ, and found it very paradigm shifting, and uplifting, self-empowering and enlightening. I love everything about my faith, but somehow I still lump Yule in with Christmas. I am not quite sure how to fix this, because it almost seems like I have to struggle and fight my way through Christmas-everything to find Yule in the bottom, forgotten areas of things. Fight my family mostly. We went to get our tree, they sang 'O Christmas Tree' , I sang 'O Yuletide tree' ... we go out to get cards to send to our friends and family and they don't understand why I don't want to buy the one with the three wisemen on it, or the ones with the fancy decorations that wish people a merry christmas. I got the recycled paper cards with a cute snowman that wished my friends the joys of the season and a happy new year. Much easier to personalize and add a yuletide wish for light and love in their lives during these dark winter nights. Every time I get in the car with my parents I wish I had brought my iPod so I could put on my own music and not be forced to hear "So this is christmas..." one more time. O_o*twitch*

Yule isn't about any of these things. It's about celebrating that it is cold out, it is darker earlier, that the longest night has come, which means that the light is coming back. We will make it through the Winter to see the coming Spring. That you bring the evergreen tree inside the house, and you light candles on your Yule log to represent keeping the light alive within yourself as you wait for Spring's return. You use the crops you grew and harvested, the jams and preserves you canned yourself to help you survive the Winter (and with the costs of those presents out there, it might just come down to them too!) and help you stay warm and positive in these dark and cold times of the year. It is supposed to be able gathering with your friends and family to share what you have- food, light, love and laughter - to help each other stay positive and get through the winter together. That's why people have potlucks and presents this time of year, that's why there is the tree and the lights and the (supposed to be) uplifting songs. Yet I get so bogged down with trying to celebrate my own way, and trying to climb out of the Christmas pit I've fallen into, that I don't see that happiness, I don't feel that inner light. I'm just stressed from exams, pissed about being subjected to CHRISTMAS (if I could make this sparkley, neon flashing letters I would) all the time that at the end of the day, and come December 21st (or whenever the solstice is) I just want to sit at home alone and try not to punch the next someone who wishes me a merry christmas.

So my question to you, is how, for the love of the gods, do you find the Happy Yuletide in your lives, when you're so bombarded my Merry Christmas?

Frustrated.

So nobody is perfect. Pretty much a universally excepted fact. It's also a pretty common fact that friends come and go and you can tell the true friends by the way you act when you get back together after time apart. For me, most of my friends are like me in that distance and time doesn't really affect how we interact. I have friends from high school that I can go for 6 months without properly talking to, but the minute we get together we are chatting like we saw each other yesterday. Generally, I'm assuming from my past experience that this is just how adult friendships work. Distance makes the heart grow fonder after all.

Well apparently not. I went from being on the West End for 8 hours a day, and spending at least 3-4 of them at some friends' house and chatting, having fun etc, to school being done and not having a car, or the inclination to spend all my time on the other side of town. This has made me a bitch, a horrible person and an abandon-er. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm broke and can't get to the other side of town, and when I don't have much to talk about due to not leaving the house except for work and frat parties once a week, it doesn't make for thrilling conversations, so once you've said all you can, what else is there? On the same thought, when you can see and read all my updates on Facebook and here, and I see and acknowledge the 'like' comments to things, what is the point of reiterating? I just don't really get it. But apparently I'm free to walk out of my friend's life and no longer be the ride everywhere, or the emotional life-vest/psychologist trying to help wade through the medicinal haze of life as it was seen by my friend. However between tone, guilt trips and a post on here, I'm thinking that the offer isn't exactly open. At least not for a while.

On the second test of sanity for the day/night, I finally texted Emily since she showed no sign of contacting me, and apparently when she hung up on me in midsentence, it was to see how much I cared, and if I cared enough to call back. Meanwhile, I'm thinking ... I'll give her time to calm down, she'll call back when she's ready to talk. When asked to explain this - well I figured you'd call back if you really cared. SERIOUSLY? Could you be more of a girl?! Huh? No. Guess not. Seriously. And when asked to explain why she got upset with me in the first place, her response was, there's no point, we can't resolve this, and you just don't get it.


That's it. I'm giving up altogether. Friends, if you want to hang out, call me and ask if I'm free at a specific time... if I am, we'll make specific plans to hang out. ie Lizz - What're you up to tomorrow night? Nothing? Movie? Sure. K Cya Then. - Not hard to do. If it goes a while between hangings out, this doesn't mean we're no longer friends. It means I have a life, and I don't always keep tabs on all my friends. If I did, I'd be busy 25/9 and never sleep. Not over exaggerating, I just know that many people. So for those of my friends who haven't all ready banished me tonight. I'm just alive, I'm just reading a book, on Facebook, busy with life or studying for school. Feel free to call me and see what I'm up to. If you leave the ball in my court for too long I'll probably forget about it and wind up hurting you. So try the serve again, be a bit specific and have patience.

This has been my tired and exhausted and frustrated rant for the night. Have a good one.

-Sam

Stretching Time Spell

Stretching Time Spell

Pagan Spark

I've been thinking a lot about the past and my original circle and friends, and how much I miss the 'good old days'. I first learned about Wicca, Witchcraft and Paganism in, what - like grade 4. I bought my first spell book in grade 5, started working on visualizations and meditation with Sorina in grade 6-7, then kind of lost focus in high school. I remember calling up thunderstorms at recess in grade 8, but grade 9, I went to a different high school and lost my way, religion class was more like "Brainwash with Christianity" class. It wasn't until 2nd year university that I found my way again. I met Sarah, Amanda, Emily and Tovah, and in turn, my sisters. Sarah and Emily joined my sorority, I joined their study group and we all started to practice together.

It was a bit of a slow start getting all the stuff I'd read back into my mind, but after a while it all started to flow together we had meetings every week about a different topic, we held philosophical debates and discussions, we did full moon rituals in the backyard of the house that Amanda and Tristan/ Sarah and Richard lived in, and we all got to be very close friends. Then there was a big disturbance and our group fell apart, another one sprung up in its place, and I got to know some new friends, then Sarah moved back to Peterborough and Amanda and Tristan got married and now they've moved away, and it all just seems to be so long ago.

I just miss all the stuff we used to do, holding Sabbat and Esbat rits in the backyard, digging a new firepit, me waking everyone up at 6:30am on Litha with a giant noisemaker so we could go start the fire outside, sitting and talking for hours, writing rituals, debating about different pagan things. The stories and laughter echo in my mind and I miss it. I miss my friends that have moved away, I miss the rituals where we spoke from the heart and felt the energy coursing through us and the post-ritual fireside chats, still buzzing with energy and didn't want to go in to bed just yet. Or the making jam in Amanda's kitchen.

Maybe I'm just being too sentimental, but I just feel like I've lost my spark right now. I'm looking forward to Spirits of the Earth Festival next week though, so I can get myself grounded, see my fest family and try to get back my spark.

Memorials and Dedications

I've been thinking a lot lately about Clyde, and my tattoo and my future. With school starting soon, I've been thinking about getting my next tattoo done, but I'm not sure which one I want to get next. It's been a year since Clyde was put down, and I still haven't gotten the horseshoe tattoo I wanted to get dedicated to him done yet.

It was supposed to be a part of my first tattoo, the big one across my back, )O( and then have the horse shoe held by the vines comeing down from the full moon to hang just below it, with CLYDE inside it. But it didn't come out on the transfer, and I decided I wanted a separate tattoo done just for Clyde, on my ankle with the english ivy wrapper around my ankle.

The other ankle is going to have a ∆Z inspired tattoo on it, with the greek letters on the inside and a pink rose on the outside, with the english ivy once again wrapping around the ankle. My thoughts being that I want to get the one for Clyde done because it was a year ago he was put down in April, but given that I'm done University, and I'm a ∆Z Alumna now, it's fitting that I get that tattoo done before I move on to my second college experience - massage therapy.

I'm just not sure which one I want to get done first. I can't afford to get them both done at the same time, and I think I'd pass out from the experience of getting them both done at once. Also, I'd need to save up a while before I could afford to get another tattoo, since I'm already so far in debt, I can't afford to spend another $400 to get the two tattoos done, and I'd probably end up spending more, since it's technically two tattoos and my artist, Lisa, is kind of on the expensive side.

I guess I just want another piece done, but I don't know which is more important or fitting, getting the one for my sorority done now that I'm done school, as a dedication to my time as an active sister; or getting the memorial tattoo to my horse, and best friend Clyde.

Okay, I'll stop rambling now.

Cheers.

Week in Toronto

I had a really amazing week.

The drive up to pick up Brian was really rainy, but I got there safe, picked him up, rested a bit then drove back home, taught him how to work an ipod and he explained how the baseball divisions and leagues system worked, without making me feel like an idiot for not know it already. He met my parents, thought they were nice, and not crazy, like I kept saying. Wedding was fun, he got really drunk and there was a lot of dancing. Monday morning we got up and on the road by 1pm, we got back to Toronto by 6 or so. I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open on the drive back up because I was so worn out from the weekend.

He was saying his throat hurt so tuesday afternoon he went to the doctors and found out he had strep throat, which was when my throat was starting to hurt. So thursday I went to the doctors and got antibiotics, I'm feeling much better now, but for the first half of the week we weren't kissing because he was trying not to make me sick. But we watched baseball and movies and cuddled on the couch, and it was kind of like living together, go to work all day, come home and spend time together, then go to bed and fall asleep in each other's arms... except that I snored really badly because of the being sick, so that didn't last long. But he was really sweet and funny, even when sick he was still affectionate.

Went on the subway for the first time on tuesday afternoon and got to explore downtown Toronto, then went out for drinks, then he made me yummy dinner and we watched the Jays game, or rather he watched the Jays game, I read a book using him as a pillow and he had his arm around me. He even remembered that Glee was on and though he doesn't like Glee, he turned it on and went upstairs so I could still watch it. Then came back at the end of the hour and we watched a movie together.

Friday was the start of the Art Tour, so I got to go see different stores and art all over the West end, but i didn't have very good shoes for the walking so I only ended up seeing 2 or 3 of the sites. Ebbie showed up and we all hung out for a while and then picked up Tovah from the train station. She took forever talking and getting ready to go out that we didn't eat dinner that night. Went out to Neutral for Goth night, which was good. Got pretty drunk and tranced out on the dance floor, took a cab back to Brian's at 3am,went to bed. I was very hung over at 6am when he woke me up by coming in to cuddle when his alarm went off. Then he went to finish getting ready and I fell back asleep... found out later he'd fallen back asleep and was 3 hours late getting to his clinic in the morning. Tovah and I didn't get out of the house until 2pm so we didn't end up going to the art tour sites, and instead took the subway downtown and went shopping/sight seeing and touristy things. My feet are still aching from this... flip flops are not good for walking for hours around the Eaton Center and downtown Toronto. Took the subway home around 8pm, Tovah went out with friends and Brian and I stayed in to watch "Into the Woods" which was awesome. Cuddled and kissed... I started to get girly and so when I went to bed I pretty much ended up crying myself to sleep because I didn't want to leave. Woke up in the morning and said goodbye to Brian since he had to go to the clinic for the last day of the art tour and then he was going out right after work. Then Tovah and I got breakfast (mine sucked so I was still hungry all day) and then got on the road. Stopped in London to get massage lotion for Tovah and then finally got home around 6pm.

Still haven't really heard from Brian again, but I'm expecting he probably needs some time to readjust to not being responsible for someone else at his house or whatnot. Much deserved "me time" I would think. I took a shower and now I'm kind of exhausted.

This was my week.

What to write...

I don't update much, I know that. Lately so much of what is in my head isn't really coming out right in the real world.

I had a talk with my soul-sister Elizabeth the other day and she kind of gave me a mental shake and brought me back to reality. I've had so much stress and been thrown for such a loop with finishing my university degree and getting everything ready to go back to school in the fall for Massage Therapy and having the feeling of being drawn in half of wanting to be in Toronto but needing to be in Windsor at the same time... I just have felt so indecisive and unenthusiastic lately. It seems like the only thing I really get excited for anymore is talking to Brian, and seeing him online, counting down until I see him in person again and getting everything done for Will's wedding that the rest of my life has been pushed to the sidelines and my friends have been put on the sidelines. I think that the only reasons I've left the house in the last month has been to go to doctor's appointments, to run errands for Avon and Will's wedding, and getting the admission requirements fulfilled for CCHST for Septmeber. Otherwise I don't really want to leave, I'd much rather talk to Brian online than go anywhere. And since I'm going to be here for another 2 years at least, I really needed that shake.

I worked tonight and I have to work again tomorrow night. Then it's almost another week before I have another shift - Thursday night - hoping to switch from cooking to cashing so I don't ruin my manicure by cooking all night (wow does that sound girly, but it's a valid point - the wedding is Sunday, I can't fuck up $45 worth of work just to cook and clean all night) but I need to hear back from Mandy for that. Also, Friday night is the rehersal dinner, Saturday I make the drive to and from Toronto to pick up Brian to be my date for the wedding and Sunday is going to be stressful as hell. Then Monday afternoon/evening I have to drive Brian back to Toronto and I'm going to stay overnight and drive back Tuesday night - only problem being that work has decided to schedule me on Tuesday morning. Which is not going to work for me since I wouldn't have enough time to make it back to Windsor for work at 9am.

I think my biggest problem is that I really do find it hard to think rationally when it comes to Brian. I'm trying my hardest not to fall for him, to be smart and independent and not to become girly and miss him all the time. I made it one whole day without talking to him, and then at 11pm he text messaged me saying he missed me and his day sucked because I wasn't around. His exact words were "I'm at a friend's cd release party, surrounded by people I know, and the only thing I can think of is you." Which makes it really hard to not talk to him, since most of my day, even when I was in the states shopping for the dresses my cousins are now wearing to the wedding, I was thinking of him. Elizabeth says its an emotional rebound and I shouldn't get my hopes up, 'dont put all your eggs in one basket' and I'm trying to be mature and smart about it - I mean realistically I'm in Windsor for 2 more years, he's in Toronto and can't afford to travel much until his business picks up, which would be 4-5 years. I planned on moving to the GTA anyways before I even met Brian, so it's at least 2 more years before we could actually be a real couple, if that is where we are headed anyways. Long distance is ridiculously hard and not the best idea when I haven't even started school yet and I need to concentrate on getting good grades and really learning this material, since I need to know what I'm doing for the practical application of it to help people and not make it worse. So I can't be thinking about some handsome, smart, funny, addictive chiropractor man in a city 4 hours away from me when I should be learning about muscles and tendons and bones and neurology. That's the realistic side.
The emotional and completely oblivious side is screaming at me to get in a car and drive to Toronto now to see him and touch him and kiss and talk and laugh and enjoy being with him like I did on his birthday weekend. The emotional side says that there's no way that we could have this much in common, still enjoy talking to each other daily after4 months and miss each other after 12 hours of not talking, and be so attracted to each other for no reason at all. There's got to be some connection there, and for a non-emotional guy to say that he misses you, and he's had people get upset at him before for not missing them, that says something. We have the same sense of humor, similar tastes in music and movies, a love of baseball (though a competition in teams we love) and both book worms. It just feels right. Even as I fight it and try not to recognize all of this, to "take it day by day, don't get ahead of yourself" and joke around the point of fact, I still feel right about Brian. Which is weird as hell considering a year ago I thought John was "the one" (dear gods, where did you hide my brain during that year and a half?) but Brian is older, and seemingly at the same maturity level as me, maybe a bit more mature, but I don't feel like I need to change to be with him, I don't feel like I need to be someone else, more mature, skinnier, funnier, more outgoing. He likes me for me, quirky, curvy, tattoo and paganism and all. He accepts me, and he even says my crazy keeps things interesting (ie he thinks all females are by nature, mildly crazy, and I'm a bit weirder than most girls). I have to keep reminding myself to breathe and to calm down, and to stop pinching myself, because he's not just in my dreams now, though it sure feels like it sometimes.
I'm kind of scared to say/type it in case it jinxes it, but more than anyone I've ever met, more than some of my best friends, I seriously think I could happily be with him forever and never get bored or need time apart to find myself, or anything, even if we were just friends forever, not that I'd like that very much at my current frame of mind, but who knows what the future may bring. Fates are tricky, so who knows. But I need to go to bed and stop rambling or I might say something silly, like "I think I could be falling for him already" which would just be altogether dumb and I would prove to myself that I need to shower and go to bed.

So I'm just going to sign off before I say that. Goodnight world. Have sweet dreams and take it day by day.

Ciao.

Toronto Adventures.

Well I got back to Windsor on Monday from a weekend in Toronto. It was a lot of fun! The 4 hours drive to Toronto went by pretty fast, but I had to pee for most of it, since there was no service stations between Tilbury and Kitchener. Got the grand tour of Brian's clinic, very cool and artsy looking. Then we went to his place, met his parents and one of the cutest dogs I've ever seen in my life - Sebastian - 1/2 Jack Russel, 1/2 Weiner dog... then we went to the Rose and Crown and had dinner and hours of drinking with his friends. Kat and Jenny came on the Saturday night, which was nice, got to catch up with then, since I hadn't seen them in forever. Got back to Brian's place around 2:30am.
Woke up at 8am, hangovers suck. Watched some tv, then decided to walk to Bryden's (i think that's how you spell it, but I'm probably wrong) and had lunch and watched some baseball. Then walked back to Brian's to hang out until dinner/karaoke, I fell asleep on the couch. The Jays won though :)
Sunday night, had dinner, made some new friends, got to catch up with Ebbie and Ange, Brian got really drunk, was actually kind of funny :) Monday I went out for coffee with my pagan friend Sam before driving back to Windsor. Was a great weekend all in all.

Dream #3

So I had a dream last night about a friend of a friend I have never met in person, just online and through pictures.

I dreamt that I went to Toronto for some reason and I checked with all the rest of the friends I have from that area and Brian was the only one who said I could crash at their place while I was in the area. He ended up giving me the grand tour of Toronto and we hung out and watched movies and started to actually become real life friends instead of just online friends. Only he's really flirty and we ended up fooling around, and I ended up falling for him, trying not to, but it happened anyways. I was only supposed to be there for a week, but ended up finding a job and an apartment and moving up there. We kept fooling around and I don't think he knew I was falling for him.

I found out later that his family was loaded and they hadn't told him, but he was being forced into an arranged marriage to someone he didn't even know or like, and so I ended up hanging out and helping him with his side of the wedding since he couldn't get out of it. We got to be really good friends, and I ended up helping set up the wedding, but on the rehearsal dinner night the parents said I was un-invited, apparently they thought that he had feelings for me too, and didn't want me to interfere with the wedding day going off without a hitch, and ended up trying to pay me off to not go. For the next 2 or 3 days I couldn't get ahold of him at all, cellphone, email, even at his work, it seemed like he was ignoring me entirely. I got a bit depressed but decided to show up at the wedding anyway.

I got there and they had security working the gates to get in, so I went around back and dressed like a server for the reception, and got into the building, but I couldn't get to see him since he was in a room with the security guards outside. I missed him going into the wedding area, and he ended up getting married to the girl. Since I was already dressed like a server, they forced me into the reception hall and I got forced to serve at the reception, I started crying and tried to get away discreetly, but he saw me and excused himself to go to the bathrooms and found me. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing, and tried to walk away to save face, but he grabbed my arms and asked me again, I looked at him and said "I couldn't stand to watch him married to the girl he didn't know or love and then because I tried to get in to see him by dressing like a server, got stuck actually serving at the wedding of the guy I'm in love with." Then slapped my hand over my mouth and turned away, and started stammering corrections, "I mean... one of my good friends... Uh... a guy I know isn't going to be happy..." But he turned me around and hugged me to his chest and said "I know, I love you too, but there's nothing I can do now, my parents expect me to follow through with this marriage because it is good for business and I can't disappoint them." I kind of just pushed him away and starred at him, then said "Wait. You actually have feelings for me too, but you would rather marry some know-nothing blonde bimbo who your parents picked out for you, rather than be happy with someone you love?! Who does that?! This is the 21st century, you can make your own decisions, mommy and daddy be damned!" and then stormed out of the hall throwing my waitress outfit on the ground and pulling my hair out of the clip and leaving the door open as I walked out of the building.

I woke up after this, but I'd like to think that he went back into the hall realized I was right, got an annulment and then came to find me later and ask me to be with him... end with kiss and fade to end credits. It did seem more like a dream than real life, but it was kinda nice.

Crazy Dream #2 - Feb 24-25 night

So I had another weird dream last night:

I was up visiting my brother in Port Elgin, and it was the end of August, so I took a couple weeks and stopped at the major festivals and harvest fairs along the way back to Windsor, and I had a really good time, ate lots of fresh veggies and fruits. Eventually I got back to the Leamington/Wheatley area and I was riding the hayride wagon, and someone came up behind me and started smelling my hair. I freaked out a bit, and then realized it was my ex-boyfriend, Chris. So I gave him a weird look and then crossed the gate/joining thing into the other cart and found 2 of my mutual friends (with Chris) Meaghan and Matt and talked to them for a bit, then my other mutual friend/sorority sister, Angie was helping Chris come over to this cart too, so he sat down with me again and started to rub my arm and play with my hand. I gave Matt a weird look and he just kind of laughed and explained that it was his first time getting high and he was having weird reactions, like being really touchy-feely.
I was just starting to get used to it and kinda liking it, when I remembered that I was supposed to me meeting Steve here, and told Chris to get off of me, and then he literally tried to crawl all over me, and Steve came along and saw him on me, and I saw Steve, but couldn't get off to explain and Steve walked away all upset, and I was really upset, trying to get to Steve and I got the distinct feeling that it just ruined things with him.

And then I woke up.

Crazy Dream #1 - February 23-24th night

OKAY!

I was home alone house sitting and watching my dog, and he was rooting around in the back yard in the corner near the other yard that has like 7 dogs that live there, and my friend who was over decided to go over the fence on a little recon job to see what was going on that the dogs were making so much noise about when she got back she said that it was almost entirely mud, but you couldn't tell what was shit and what was dirt, and they seemed to be fighting over bones... then the dogs started to sound like they were going insane and fighting eachother, and jd started acting funny... i looked at him and his eyes had like a black film that were spreading all the way over them so his eyes looked entirely black and then he started to try to attack me... I threw him a bone outside and he tore after it even though he's really old and shouldn't be able to run like that

so i'm like wtf... so I go over the fence to see what's going on, there's only 2 dogs left... both of their eyes are black as pitch and their owner is dead on the ground and that's what they were fighting over... her leg bones..

so i'm freaked out... and i try to make a run for it, but they're really fast and they try to corner me... but apparently in the movie of my dreams i'm like a terrific athelete and i dodge their attacks, sending the one barrelling into the other and while they're distracted i run at and jump the really high fence only to find JD standing there staring at me and drooling

and i'm like FUCK ... but just at that moment a cat comes into the yard and he's distracted and i run for the house and lock the door... strip out of my now disgusting clothes and go to my room to get clean clothes and call the humane society... when i get back to the kitchen my friend has margarita's in the blender and her eyes are black and she is saying we should get drunk and have a fun night

i try to act normal while calling 911 instead of the humane society, i tell her to go downstairs and i'll be down in a sec, i'm just going to call in the noise complaint and then when the operator picks up i tell them the neighborhood dogs are going insane, i think my friend caught it and is trying to get me drunk to eat me and to please come help... and then i woke up

Just for the record

Talked to a friend today and it kinda brought into close perspective how fast it can all be over, and got me thinking. So- in case I ever pass on before writing down my thoughts on funerals and such:

1. I do not want to be kept alive artificially, if I am dead in brainwaves or in the process of dying don't resuscitate me or keep me alive on machines. I don't want to be kept alive like that. Let me go, I'll see you again in the next place.

2. I do not want to be pickled. Let me decompose naturally. I do not want chemicals or 'smell-pretty' put on my dead body to make me last longer so you can put me on display. Take the jewish example, no preservatives, natural wood casket, and into the ground, not a cement box. [If this is not possible in the city in which I die - please have me cremated and put into a pretty container *maybe something that looks pagan* and then continue with #3].

3. I would like a Rowan tree planted over my remains, with a 'Dedicated in memory of..." plaque at the base. I would also like a pentacle and some English ivy engraved on the plaque so they know I was pagan.

5. I would like to be buried with my Delta Zeta badge and guard. If possible I'd like a pink Killarney Rose bush planted by the tree (but with enough room so they can both live in harmony without one killing the other off).

4. I don't want a depressing wake and funeral. I want an Irish wake - bring out the whiskey and the rye, do a couple shots, remember the good times and try not to dwell on the bad! Lots of food, lots of drink and good music - none of that depressing shit! I want some AC/DC played - like Will said - For Those About to Rock, or maybe even Rock and Roll Train.

5. I want my possessions divided up among my best friends and family who knew me well, Jordan gets my music and movies, Emily gets my candles and hat/scarf and shoe collection, my books go to the Pagans in the community to teach those who need the guiding light on their path. The rest can either be sold or given away to whomsoever wants it. Oh - my 'toy' collection goes to John. Thanks for the laughs and getting me into the lifestyle ;) .

6. To those whom my life my touch in slight measure, may I have given graciously of what is mine, to my friends understanding and appreciation, to those closer ones - love that is ever steadfast. I hope you all know that you have added light and love into my life, and I hope that I have given it back in turn. Some words that gave me some perspective - never look down on someone unless you're giving them a hand up.

Blessed Be to all who knew and will know me, and in the words of Rocco, I'll catch ya on the flip side!

Sam / Jade

About a boy

The details of tonight:

His name is Steve, 25, works in a suspension plant on midnights, has amazing hands, great kisser, has nice arms, nice green eyes, is really funny, smart, kinda nerdy (in a builds custom computers kinda way), loves all kinds of music and movies, but especially horror movies. He loves all kinds of animals, but has 2 dogs. He's really sweet, kinda soft-spoken, but has a mischevious glint in his eyes when he's flirting with me. We spent 2 hours talking in Tim Hortons, he held my hand almost the whole time, bought me hot chocolate, said I was beautiful and adorable and he wanted to keep me when i gave him a hand massage, and he kissed my cheek at first, but then I turned the 'walk you to your car' goodnight kiss into a proper kiss and omg he's amazing at it... I love his hands, especially when they're on me, and his voice gets really low when he's turned on... it took him three tries to actually walk away and say goodnight, cause he kept kissing me again, and gods - I could've happily kept kissing him all night... he asked me to come online when I got home to let him know I got here alright. :D
I think I'm smitten *blush*

I think I already started one of these but oh well

I think I'll start a new one :)

I'm Sam. Crazy. Pagan. Bisexual. Single, Female, 22. I reside inside my mind most of the time, occasionally stumbling out long enough to attend class and then retreat back into my haven again. It has a beanbag chair and a swimming pool full of jell-o. There's also a hot tub that I occasionally fill with tequila and see what happens.

But seriously. This is going to be a place where I discuss the random crap that I learn in class, hear on the radio or a podcast, and decide to document for my crazy self to remember later. It may on the odd happenstance that I'm in a mood of hilarity be sarcastically funny. Hope you like funny with a side of crazy. Or not - I don't care, don't read it then. :P

Anyways. I'm going to go study for American history (YAY GUNS R' US just opened!) and I'll be back at a later date to continue this thrilling broadcast.

Cheers.