A bit of this and that...

So I've been mainly blogging when I've got a challenge going on, or about something I read in one of the online bookclub books I've been reading. And I guess this kind of ties into the Aphrodite's Magic thing, but at the same time it's kind of about something that's been bothering me lately.

Some of you who know me in person, know that my sister-in-law is pregnant with my first nephew, Liam. She's just passed her first trimester and is due at the end of September. She's always been a skinny girl, she gained a bit of weight when she first started living with my brother up in Port Elgin, but I didn't notice it much, if anything I thought it was just her getting used to her new surroundings and my brother's eating habits. Everyone in my family is "bigger" but mostly I think it's poor eating habits, metabolism and heredity. So if anything she just fit in with my family a bit better. Then they were getting married and she started losing weight to fit into the dress - this gorgeous white mermaid dress, she looked stunning, etc. So one weekend they come down to visit (pretty sure this was before they got married, back when she was just putting on some weight) and her dad makes some comment like "Oh hey porky, how's it going up there? I see you've gained some weight." or some other insensitive asshole comment. She was floored and started getting self-conscious after that- have I mentioned I hate her parents? Yeah anyways. So now that she's pregnant she's getting all angry about and touchy whenever someone mentioned her belly. I get that she's had some self-conscious issues in the past, but seriously?! It's a baby belly! You're pregnant. It happens, you're growing a whole new life inside you. Your body changes to accommodate this growth and when he's born you'll probably bounce right back since you're a skinny person by nature. But don't get self-conscious because you've got a baby belly! If anything it's just proof that you're fertile, beautiful and going to be a great mother.

Gods, I WISH that my belly was because I was pregnant (not that I want to be pregnant, I just wish it wasn't because I was lazy and unhealthy in my eating habits, but from some legitimate excuse)... hell I don't even know if I can have kids, so I wouldn't be judging myself for gaining weight or having a belly, if it was because I was actually growing a whole other entity within me. If I could have a perfect pregnant body like Jill, or her friend Steph, I would probably be the happiest woman alive. It just drives me a little nuts when skinny women, or slender women, who have always had rockin' bodies get all "oh my god, I'm getting fat!" when they get pregnant. I kind of want to yell at them "YOU ARE NOT FAT. You are pregnant. There is a difference!"

Okay so how this kind of goes along with the Aphrodite's Magic thing is that the second cord, called "The Eye of Beauty" is coming up in a couple weeks and so I read over the chapter the other night so I could begin to get myself ready for it - with all of the reading I've been doing for The Earth Path I'm feeling very in touch with the Goddess, and I've been working on the meditating on Aphrodite and keeping up with my altar too, so I've begun to prepare for the next cord. Anywho - Beauty. In the eye of the beholder, which is usually not looking at yourself. Well I've been thinking about what I consider to be beauty, beautiful, 'perfection', or 'feminine ideal' and I've come back with a lot of different things.
I find nature to be beautiful - a lush forest, a breathtaking view of a waterfall, a beach, flowers, a well-planned garden, a thunderstorm. I find beauty in children playing outside, in a newborn baby swaddled in a blanket and wrapped in his mother's tender, yet strong, embrace. I find a woman's curves to be beautiful. The solid strength of a man can also be beautiful, but not in the same way. On the topic of feminine beauty, I have a few different thoughts on the perfect example of feminine beauty - because women are ever-changing, as is beauty. I find little girls who are being true to themselves, the bright beaming smile of a little girl learning and having fun adventures in the backyard to be beautiful. I find the slender young woman with ample bust, and wide curving hips to be beautiful. I find the silvering hair of an elderly woman, her face carved with smile and laugh lines to be beautiful. And I find a young woman glowing and heavy with child to be more beautiful than all. She is the perfection to me. Maybe it's because I don't even know if I can have children that I found myself drawn to pregnancy as the ideal of beauty, but I do.

Truthfully, I find all women to be beautiful, I think that personality, self-esteem and curves are beautiful in every body type, however I don't find myself attracted to the skeletal skinny that you see in models and magazine covers, where you have to airbrush the picture not to cover a couple patches of cellulite, but the ribs that are jutting out of her sides because she doesn't have enough flesh to cover them. It doesn't speak of health and happiness to me. It speaks of diets and sadness, of unhealthy eating habits and self-ridicule and truly being sick, to get to being this skinny. I think if I could stick to a diet or change the way I think about food and my relationship to it, and make healthier choices, exercise more and truly be as healthy as I want to be, I would NEVER want to be this skinny (points at picture of Twiggy) it just looks like she's suffering from a wasting disease to me, not that she's beautiful. Sorry, not beautiful to me. I much prefer someone that I can grab on to and enjoy their curves. Not someone so skinny I would break them with a feather.

The book Aphrodite's Magic has a couple of activities to do to get ready for the second cord, and this first one is called 'The Beauty Parlor of the Goddess' which is where you write about, draw, or otherwise creatively put to paper (or blog in this case) your answer to the following question "What were you handed out in the beauty parlor of the Goddess?" You can answer this by cataloging your favourite parts of yourself; your best features, whether they be quirky and individual, classically beautiful, sex, refined or elegant. Then afterward you give thanks to the Goddess for your beauty. So here we go.

1. My eyes - I have always loved my eyes. I love the colours of blue in them, the yellow-green that circles the pupil depending on my mood and gives them a slightly ethereal look. I love that they are beautiful without makeup but can be striking and breath-taking when I put on makeup. I love how they express my emotions, or give away my fears. I truly feel like they are a window to the soul (but I don't believe that whole soul-stealing-camera phobia, or I would have no soul left with all the pictures I've had taken of me in my lifetime).
2. My nose - Okay I don't think it was until recently that I really began to like my nose. I've always thought it too big, too freckly, too sniffle/stuffed-up with allergies, or just ignored it altogether. But I've recently come to like it. It's me, a little pointy, definitely lots of freckles, but it's got character and I like it.
3. My smile - I guess after all the money and time put into it, I ought to like it. I'm always told that my smile lights up a room, I smile when I'm happy, embarrassed, when I can't take a joke, it's both my best display of my feelings but also my best mask to cover them up too. There's a line out of the movie 'Mona Lisa's Smile' where the girl says to her mother "Look at her, Mona Lisa, she's smiling, but is she really happy?" Which is kind of what I think sometimes, and know from experience - a smile can hide all manner of emotion.
4. My breasts - Well that's kind of self explanatory. It's breasts. How do you not like them?! I've always bemoaned them being so big, or whatever, causing back aches, getting in the way, attracting too much attention when I just want to wear a low cut shirt cause it's pretty, but not get male attention. But I do like them. I hate having to wear a bra, but I love my boobs.
5. My derriere - Okay... my ass. I've struggled with accepting and loving my ass a lot over the years. Most of the time I still think that it's too big, that I hate how far out it sticks, but I've come to terms with it, and I've decided to love it.
6. My legs - I've got swimmer's legs, dressage legs and I love them. I've always liked how strong they are. I took up running for a while and man could I see the definition in them! Sometimes I worry about cellulite, but then I remember my stomach and my legs don't look so bad comparatively. Okay so that was a bad joke, but still. I like my legs. I think they have their own kind of beauty.
7. My feet - Not an area that most people find beautiful (okay most people without a foot fetish) but I like mine. They're rough and calloused and have cracks and don't have enough girlishness to them. I'm pretty sure the last pedicure I got months ago is still there in the form of clinging nail polish, but I like them. They help me get around, I've walked over gravel roads, dirt paths, splashed in the mud, danced in the rain and stood for hours on end at work on them. They're well worn, and loved.

That's just about it. I still have insecurities, I still dislike parts of myself and I'm still working on it. I'll do the other exercise later. So far, I think it's pretty good that I came up with 7 things I love about my body. Which is a whole lot better than when I used to just flat out hate my body. So I thank the Goddess for helping me begin the journey of self love and self esteem, and for giving me the courage to look at myself and see the beauty there, not just the things I want to change.

Blessed Be,
Jade