So I've had an interesting passed year. This time last year my fiancee and I had just broken up and we were trying to still be friends, unsuccessfully. I was still at the University of Windsor for my History degree. I was not exactly in my best frame of mind.
Since then:
- I've gotten over my ex, and we truly have become friends again.
- I started my RMT course @ CCHST in September of this year and I'm done my first Term! In January I'm starting Term 2 and clinic!!! *bites nails* ... Oh wait, I don't have any left (don't wanna cut people while massaging them)!
- I went through a long distance crush/fling with a truly amazing guy in Toronto, who I do love, but not in a way that anything could work out with and I've come to terms with it. I will love him forever, but it's slowly developing into a different kind of love, not a pressing-need to talk all the time kind of infatuation, but a mature, friends with strong feelings of the sexual variety for each other kind of relationship, and I think in the end will be one of those grown up relationships where we are friends who have slept together in the passed, and had a lot of fun, but realize it wont work out.
- I spent a lot of time this passed summer hanging out with some friends from the history department and one of my friends who was dating on of those guy friends. [To avoid confusion we'll call them Tom, Bob and Sue. Tom and Bob were in History with me, Sue I met through a high school friend. Bob and Sue were dating]. We got to know each other very well and then Bob broke up with Sue and it got awkward for a while so I didn't see any of them. Then I started hanging out with the Tom and Bob at the Pub once a week or so, and then Bob and I started flirting and he kissed me, but we decided not to do anything because of the not wanting to hurt Sue's feelings. He started to hang out with me and my friends on Thursday nights for jeopardy, big bang theory and shit my dad says. Then we started hanging out once or twice a week. Then we slept together. It's been a developing thing for 4 or 5 months now, but I'm starting to get to the point where I think I could seriously date Bob and really be happy, perhaps even have a long term relationship with him (my family even likes him!!!).
- Since we haven't talked about exclusivity, I started talking to a guy online from Toronto, Winter by screen name, who was pretty much amazing. He's a really big nerd, Norseman, kinky, really funny, and seems to be very taken with me.
- I was very torn for a while between my mature T.O. friend w/benefits; Winter, and Bob. Then I realized that my T.O. friend would always be just that - a guy I talked to all the time online, but unless I moved to Toronto it would never become anything but a hookup whenever I was in Toronto. If I moved to Toronto... it's not even a for sure thing in that case. With Winter, he's awesome, but everything I like about him, I have in Bob (and he's in Windsor, not Toronto), and I have a shot at being really happy with him. The only problem - Sue. When I came to her about him kissing me, asking what I should do, she told me to go for it, but then the next day flipped out and told me she couldn't be friends with me if I were to date Bob. So I've decided that if she was a real friend, and not being immature and selfish, she would realize that he and I are awesome together and be happy for me, even if it hurt her for a while. So... I'm not going to rush things, or jump into a relationship, and push it into directions or speeds it's not ready for. I'm going to go for Bob. I've come to the point in my life where I need to make myself happy, and the rest will work out as it may, I needn't worry about it. So that's what I'm going to so.
I'm not sure where it will all lead, or how it will go. But insofar as I can see, there is no downside to Bob. He's funny, amazing, nerdy, cooks, loves history, books, movies, is pagan(recently discovered Norse and figuring it out on his own), really smart, social and hermit-like at the same time (like me!), gets along with my friends and family and I cannot find a single thing I don't like about him (except maybe the kissing style when we first started kissing... I don't know if I'm just getting used it, he's adapting to my kissing style, or both, but it's better now)... oh, yeah, and he wears a kilt every-so-often and likes kinky things too. So I'm just going to coast my way from here, but I've decided I want to date him, whenever it happens. When I brought it up, he didn't freak out, and he came to my family xmas party tonight and didn't freak out about anything, even the drunken uncles. Plus we were kind of cuddling on the couch most of the night and I'm pretty sure a couple of people even called him my bf and he didn't correct them, or ask me why I didn't. I really like him. It's kinda perfect.
So that's been my 2010... and I am excited to start into 2011 and see where it all goes!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Contemplation of Yule
I had a great conversation with my Gurumanda today and it helped me get my mind off of school for a moment and get into thinking about paganism again and I realized how much I've been lacking in that area while I've been so focused on school.
Lately I've noticed that I haven't really "gotten into the spirit of the season" ... mostly noticed because I've been very "bah-humbug" in protest of having my ears perpetually noise-raped by Christmas music and the people wishing you a "Merry Christmas" and all that capitalistic 'buy these outrageously priced gifts or no one will love you' messages you see in the media this time of year. But I think it has affected the way I see Yule too. Which startled me into realizing that I'd lumped Yule in with Christmas and that's just not right - even if Christmas is a copyright infringement against Yule in the first place, they are totally different things in today's society.
Christmas is the over-decorated, ear-raping, forced happy, capitalism-milking consumerist holiday that starts taking over the airwaves and television commercials and stores before Halloween is even put back in the closet for the year. To me, this is insanity with a pretty bow. I cannot stand this holiday. I used to be the little girl in cute pjs with rumpled hair waking up at 6:58 and waiting with baited breath for the clock to strike 7am so I could run into my older brother's room, wake him up and then catapult onto our parents bed to wake them up for PRESENTS!!! I quite literally believed in Santa and the reindeer until I was at least 11. Possibly as old as 13. Yes. Lame, I know, but all the same, it was part of the magic of it all.
I have since lost this magic when I got old enough to have to spend my own money on presents, learned about the origins of the holiday and rejected the Father, Son and Holy Spirit as my brainwashing zombie-making faith of choice and discovered the nature religions and the history I love gets to take part in my everyday life. I learned about and began practicing a new belief, based off of older paths than Christ, and found it very paradigm shifting, and uplifting, self-empowering and enlightening. I love everything about my faith, but somehow I still lump Yule in with Christmas. I am not quite sure how to fix this, because it almost seems like I have to struggle and fight my way through Christmas-everything to find Yule in the bottom, forgotten areas of things. Fight my family mostly. We went to get our tree, they sang 'O Christmas Tree' , I sang 'O Yuletide tree' ... we go out to get cards to send to our friends and family and they don't understand why I don't want to buy the one with the three wisemen on it, or the ones with the fancy decorations that wish people a merry christmas. I got the recycled paper cards with a cute snowman that wished my friends the joys of the season and a happy new year. Much easier to personalize and add a yuletide wish for light and love in their lives during these dark winter nights. Every time I get in the car with my parents I wish I had brought my iPod so I could put on my own music and not be forced to hear "So this is christmas..." one more time. O_o*twitch*
Yule isn't about any of these things. It's about celebrating that it is cold out, it is darker earlier, that the longest night has come, which means that the light is coming back. We will make it through the Winter to see the coming Spring. That you bring the evergreen tree inside the house, and you light candles on your Yule log to represent keeping the light alive within yourself as you wait for Spring's return. You use the crops you grew and harvested, the jams and preserves you canned yourself to help you survive the Winter (and with the costs of those presents out there, it might just come down to them too!) and help you stay warm and positive in these dark and cold times of the year. It is supposed to be able gathering with your friends and family to share what you have- food, light, love and laughter - to help each other stay positive and get through the winter together. That's why people have potlucks and presents this time of year, that's why there is the tree and the lights and the (supposed to be) uplifting songs. Yet I get so bogged down with trying to celebrate my own way, and trying to climb out of the Christmas pit I've fallen into, that I don't see that happiness, I don't feel that inner light. I'm just stressed from exams, pissed about being subjected to CHRISTMAS (if I could make this sparkley, neon flashing letters I would) all the time that at the end of the day, and come December 21st (or whenever the solstice is) I just want to sit at home alone and try not to punch the next someone who wishes me a merry christmas.
So my question to you, is how, for the love of the gods, do you find the Happy Yuletide in your lives, when you're so bombarded my Merry Christmas?
Lately I've noticed that I haven't really "gotten into the spirit of the season" ... mostly noticed because I've been very "bah-humbug" in protest of having my ears perpetually noise-raped by Christmas music and the people wishing you a "Merry Christmas" and all that capitalistic 'buy these outrageously priced gifts or no one will love you' messages you see in the media this time of year. But I think it has affected the way I see Yule too. Which startled me into realizing that I'd lumped Yule in with Christmas and that's just not right - even if Christmas is a copyright infringement against Yule in the first place, they are totally different things in today's society.
Christmas is the over-decorated, ear-raping, forced happy, capitalism-milking consumerist holiday that starts taking over the airwaves and television commercials and stores before Halloween is even put back in the closet for the year. To me, this is insanity with a pretty bow. I cannot stand this holiday. I used to be the little girl in cute pjs with rumpled hair waking up at 6:58 and waiting with baited breath for the clock to strike 7am so I could run into my older brother's room, wake him up and then catapult onto our parents bed to wake them up for PRESENTS!!! I quite literally believed in Santa and the reindeer until I was at least 11. Possibly as old as 13. Yes. Lame, I know, but all the same, it was part of the magic of it all.
I have since lost this magic when I got old enough to have to spend my own money on presents, learned about the origins of the holiday and rejected the Father, Son and Holy Spirit as my brainwashing zombie-making faith of choice and discovered the nature religions and the history I love gets to take part in my everyday life. I learned about and began practicing a new belief, based off of older paths than Christ, and found it very paradigm shifting, and uplifting, self-empowering and enlightening. I love everything about my faith, but somehow I still lump Yule in with Christmas. I am not quite sure how to fix this, because it almost seems like I have to struggle and fight my way through Christmas-everything to find Yule in the bottom, forgotten areas of things. Fight my family mostly. We went to get our tree, they sang 'O Christmas Tree' , I sang 'O Yuletide tree' ... we go out to get cards to send to our friends and family and they don't understand why I don't want to buy the one with the three wisemen on it, or the ones with the fancy decorations that wish people a merry christmas. I got the recycled paper cards with a cute snowman that wished my friends the joys of the season and a happy new year. Much easier to personalize and add a yuletide wish for light and love in their lives during these dark winter nights. Every time I get in the car with my parents I wish I had brought my iPod so I could put on my own music and not be forced to hear "So this is christmas..." one more time. O_o*twitch*
Yule isn't about any of these things. It's about celebrating that it is cold out, it is darker earlier, that the longest night has come, which means that the light is coming back. We will make it through the Winter to see the coming Spring. That you bring the evergreen tree inside the house, and you light candles on your Yule log to represent keeping the light alive within yourself as you wait for Spring's return. You use the crops you grew and harvested, the jams and preserves you canned yourself to help you survive the Winter (and with the costs of those presents out there, it might just come down to them too!) and help you stay warm and positive in these dark and cold times of the year. It is supposed to be able gathering with your friends and family to share what you have- food, light, love and laughter - to help each other stay positive and get through the winter together. That's why people have potlucks and presents this time of year, that's why there is the tree and the lights and the (supposed to be) uplifting songs. Yet I get so bogged down with trying to celebrate my own way, and trying to climb out of the Christmas pit I've fallen into, that I don't see that happiness, I don't feel that inner light. I'm just stressed from exams, pissed about being subjected to CHRISTMAS (if I could make this sparkley, neon flashing letters I would) all the time that at the end of the day, and come December 21st (or whenever the solstice is) I just want to sit at home alone and try not to punch the next someone who wishes me a merry christmas.
So my question to you, is how, for the love of the gods, do you find the Happy Yuletide in your lives, when you're so bombarded my Merry Christmas?
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