I don't update much, I know that. Lately so much of what is in my head isn't really coming out right in the real world.
I had a talk with my soul-sister Elizabeth the other day and she kind of gave me a mental shake and brought me back to reality. I've had so much stress and been thrown for such a loop with finishing my university degree and getting everything ready to go back to school in the fall for Massage Therapy and having the feeling of being drawn in half of wanting to be in Toronto but needing to be in Windsor at the same time... I just have felt so indecisive and unenthusiastic lately. It seems like the only thing I really get excited for anymore is talking to Brian, and seeing him online, counting down until I see him in person again and getting everything done for Will's wedding that the rest of my life has been pushed to the sidelines and my friends have been put on the sidelines. I think that the only reasons I've left the house in the last month has been to go to doctor's appointments, to run errands for Avon and Will's wedding, and getting the admission requirements fulfilled for CCHST for Septmeber. Otherwise I don't really want to leave, I'd much rather talk to Brian online than go anywhere. And since I'm going to be here for another 2 years at least, I really needed that shake.
I worked tonight and I have to work again tomorrow night. Then it's almost another week before I have another shift - Thursday night - hoping to switch from cooking to cashing so I don't ruin my manicure by cooking all night (wow does that sound girly, but it's a valid point - the wedding is Sunday, I can't fuck up $45 worth of work just to cook and clean all night) but I need to hear back from Mandy for that. Also, Friday night is the rehersal dinner, Saturday I make the drive to and from Toronto to pick up Brian to be my date for the wedding and Sunday is going to be stressful as hell. Then Monday afternoon/evening I have to drive Brian back to Toronto and I'm going to stay overnight and drive back Tuesday night - only problem being that work has decided to schedule me on Tuesday morning. Which is not going to work for me since I wouldn't have enough time to make it back to Windsor for work at 9am.
I think my biggest problem is that I really do find it hard to think rationally when it comes to Brian. I'm trying my hardest not to fall for him, to be smart and independent and not to become girly and miss him all the time. I made it one whole day without talking to him, and then at 11pm he text messaged me saying he missed me and his day sucked because I wasn't around. His exact words were "I'm at a friend's cd release party, surrounded by people I know, and the only thing I can think of is you." Which makes it really hard to not talk to him, since most of my day, even when I was in the states shopping for the dresses my cousins are now wearing to the wedding, I was thinking of him. Elizabeth says its an emotional rebound and I shouldn't get my hopes up, 'dont put all your eggs in one basket' and I'm trying to be mature and smart about it - I mean realistically I'm in Windsor for 2 more years, he's in Toronto and can't afford to travel much until his business picks up, which would be 4-5 years. I planned on moving to the GTA anyways before I even met Brian, so it's at least 2 more years before we could actually be a real couple, if that is where we are headed anyways. Long distance is ridiculously hard and not the best idea when I haven't even started school yet and I need to concentrate on getting good grades and really learning this material, since I need to know what I'm doing for the practical application of it to help people and not make it worse. So I can't be thinking about some handsome, smart, funny, addictive chiropractor man in a city 4 hours away from me when I should be learning about muscles and tendons and bones and neurology. That's the realistic side.
The emotional and completely oblivious side is screaming at me to get in a car and drive to Toronto now to see him and touch him and kiss and talk and laugh and enjoy being with him like I did on his birthday weekend. The emotional side says that there's no way that we could have this much in common, still enjoy talking to each other daily after4 months and miss each other after 12 hours of not talking, and be so attracted to each other for no reason at all. There's got to be some connection there, and for a non-emotional guy to say that he misses you, and he's had people get upset at him before for not missing them, that says something. We have the same sense of humor, similar tastes in music and movies, a love of baseball (though a competition in teams we love) and both book worms. It just feels right. Even as I fight it and try not to recognize all of this, to "take it day by day, don't get ahead of yourself" and joke around the point of fact, I still feel right about Brian. Which is weird as hell considering a year ago I thought John was "the one" (dear gods, where did you hide my brain during that year and a half?) but Brian is older, and seemingly at the same maturity level as me, maybe a bit more mature, but I don't feel like I need to change to be with him, I don't feel like I need to be someone else, more mature, skinnier, funnier, more outgoing. He likes me for me, quirky, curvy, tattoo and paganism and all. He accepts me, and he even says my crazy keeps things interesting (ie he thinks all females are by nature, mildly crazy, and I'm a bit weirder than most girls). I have to keep reminding myself to breathe and to calm down, and to stop pinching myself, because he's not just in my dreams now, though it sure feels like it sometimes.
I'm kind of scared to say/type it in case it jinxes it, but more than anyone I've ever met, more than some of my best friends, I seriously think I could happily be with him forever and never get bored or need time apart to find myself, or anything, even if we were just friends forever, not that I'd like that very much at my current frame of mind, but who knows what the future may bring. Fates are tricky, so who knows. But I need to go to bed and stop rambling or I might say something silly, like "I think I could be falling for him already" which would just be altogether dumb and I would prove to myself that I need to shower and go to bed.
So I'm just going to sign off before I say that. Goodnight world. Have sweet dreams and take it day by day.
Ciao.
I am here to give you a mental shake anytime you need it. I have been through a lot of what you have and I had no one to give me that mental shake yeah I turned out all right but that doesn't mean I am completely whole. Big hugs sister of mine not by blood but by something stronger
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