Hormonal/Self-esteem lacking rant... please disregard.

Do you ever get those days where you feel like a useless part of society? Where your self-esteem is about 20ft below ground and you don't want to leave the house?

I'm having one of those days.

I have put on so much weight since school started I feel disgusting. My mom took me out shopping to get clothes that fit me since she's apparently sick of looking at me in tight t-shirts, and I've gone up at least 3 sizes. I had to get new bras because the old ones just wont hold them in anymore. I hate mirrors.

Then I was talking about getting clothes for Ania's wedding from this cool website and she rubbed it in my face that I don't have a job and that I can't even afford to go to the wedding (ie. getting a present) let alone getting the steampunk clothes to wear to it.

and then I came in to my room and looked at job ads and there's like none that I would apply for. I can't do construction, I'm not going to fuck up my hands working at a fast food place (ie. deep fryer hands part 2) and I don't think the rest are even real.
At one point I came to the conclusion that I am worth more dead than alive, because alive I am -$7,000 on my line of credit, plus another -$10K in OSAP debt. But dead, they'd all be paid off. Now considering the amount of death that has been staring me in the face lately, this is a stupid line of thought... but hey, I'm having one of those days.

A little recap and update on my life in 2010.

So I've had an interesting passed year. This time last year my fiancee and I had just broken up and we were trying to still be friends, unsuccessfully. I was still at the University of Windsor for my History degree. I was not exactly in my best frame of mind.

Since then:
- I've gotten over my ex, and we truly have become friends again.
- I started my RMT course @ CCHST in September of this year and I'm done my first Term! In January I'm starting Term 2 and clinic!!! *bites nails* ... Oh wait, I don't have any left (don't wanna cut people while massaging them)!
- I went through a long distance crush/fling with a truly amazing guy in Toronto, who I do love, but not in a way that anything could work out with and I've come to terms with it. I will love him forever, but it's slowly developing into a different kind of love, not a pressing-need to talk all the time kind of infatuation, but a mature, friends with strong feelings of the sexual variety for each other kind of relationship, and I think in the end will be one of those grown up relationships where we are friends who have slept together in the passed, and had a lot of fun, but realize it wont work out.
- I spent a lot of time this passed summer hanging out with some friends from the history department and one of my friends who was dating on of those guy friends. [To avoid confusion we'll call them Tom, Bob and Sue. Tom and Bob were in History with me, Sue I met through a high school friend. Bob and Sue were dating]. We got to know each other very well and then Bob broke up with Sue and it got awkward for a while so I didn't see any of them. Then I started hanging out with the Tom and Bob at the Pub once a week or so, and then Bob and I started flirting and he kissed me, but we decided not to do anything because of the not wanting to hurt Sue's feelings. He started to hang out with me and my friends on Thursday nights for jeopardy, big bang theory and shit my dad says. Then we started hanging out once or twice a week. Then we slept together. It's been a developing thing for 4 or 5 months now, but I'm starting to get to the point where I think I could seriously date Bob and really be happy, perhaps even have a long term relationship with him (my family even likes him!!!).
- Since we haven't talked about exclusivity, I started talking to a guy online from Toronto, Winter by screen name, who was pretty much amazing. He's a really big nerd, Norseman, kinky, really funny, and seems to be very taken with me.
- I was very torn for a while between my mature T.O. friend w/benefits; Winter, and Bob. Then I realized that my T.O. friend would always be just that - a guy I talked to all the time online, but unless I moved to Toronto it would never become anything but a hookup whenever I was in Toronto. If I moved to Toronto... it's not even a for sure thing in that case. With Winter, he's awesome, but everything I like about him, I have in Bob (and he's in Windsor, not Toronto), and I have a shot at being really happy with him. The only problem - Sue. When I came to her about him kissing me, asking what I should do, she told me to go for it, but then the next day flipped out and told me she couldn't be friends with me if I were to date Bob. So I've decided that if she was a real friend, and not being immature and selfish, she would realize that he and I are awesome together and be happy for me, even if it hurt her for a while. So... I'm not going to rush things, or jump into a relationship, and push it into directions or speeds it's not ready for. I'm going to go for Bob. I've come to the point in my life where I need to make myself happy, and the rest will work out as it may, I needn't worry about it. So that's what I'm going to so.

I'm not sure where it will all lead, or how it will go. But insofar as I can see, there is no downside to Bob. He's funny, amazing, nerdy, cooks, loves history, books, movies, is pagan(recently discovered Norse and figuring it out on his own), really smart, social and hermit-like at the same time (like me!), gets along with my friends and family and I cannot find a single thing I don't like about him (except maybe the kissing style when we first started kissing... I don't know if I'm just getting used it, he's adapting to my kissing style, or both, but it's better now)... oh, yeah, and he wears a kilt every-so-often and likes kinky things too. So I'm just going to coast my way from here, but I've decided I want to date him, whenever it happens. When I brought it up, he didn't freak out, and he came to my family xmas party tonight and didn't freak out about anything, even the drunken uncles. Plus we were kind of cuddling on the couch most of the night and I'm pretty sure a couple of people even called him my bf and he didn't correct them, or ask me why I didn't. I really like him. It's kinda perfect.

So that's been my 2010... and I am excited to start into 2011 and see where it all goes!

Contemplation of Yule

I had a great conversation with my Gurumanda today and it helped me get my mind off of school for a moment and get into thinking about paganism again and I realized how much I've been lacking in that area while I've been so focused on school.

Lately I've noticed that I haven't really "gotten into the spirit of the season" ... mostly noticed because I've been very "bah-humbug" in protest of having my ears perpetually noise-raped by Christmas music and the people wishing you a "Merry Christmas" and all that capitalistic 'buy these outrageously priced gifts or no one will love you' messages you see in the media this time of year. But I think it has affected the way I see Yule too. Which startled me into realizing that I'd lumped Yule in with Christmas and that's just not right - even if Christmas is a copyright infringement against Yule in the first place, they are totally different things in today's society.

Christmas is the over-decorated, ear-raping, forced happy, capitalism-milking consumerist holiday that starts taking over the airwaves and television commercials and stores before Halloween is even put back in the closet for the year. To me, this is insanity with a pretty bow. I cannot stand this holiday. I used to be the little girl in cute pjs with rumpled hair waking up at 6:58 and waiting with baited breath for the clock to strike 7am so I could run into my older brother's room, wake him up and then catapult onto our parents bed to wake them up for PRESENTS!!! I quite literally believed in Santa and the reindeer until I was at least 11. Possibly as old as 13. Yes. Lame, I know, but all the same, it was part of the magic of it all.

I have since lost this magic when I got old enough to have to spend my own money on presents, learned about the origins of the holiday and rejected the Father, Son and Holy Spirit as my brainwashing zombie-making faith of choice and discovered the nature religions and the history I love gets to take part in my everyday life. I learned about and began practicing a new belief, based off of older paths than Christ, and found it very paradigm shifting, and uplifting, self-empowering and enlightening. I love everything about my faith, but somehow I still lump Yule in with Christmas. I am not quite sure how to fix this, because it almost seems like I have to struggle and fight my way through Christmas-everything to find Yule in the bottom, forgotten areas of things. Fight my family mostly. We went to get our tree, they sang 'O Christmas Tree' , I sang 'O Yuletide tree' ... we go out to get cards to send to our friends and family and they don't understand why I don't want to buy the one with the three wisemen on it, or the ones with the fancy decorations that wish people a merry christmas. I got the recycled paper cards with a cute snowman that wished my friends the joys of the season and a happy new year. Much easier to personalize and add a yuletide wish for light and love in their lives during these dark winter nights. Every time I get in the car with my parents I wish I had brought my iPod so I could put on my own music and not be forced to hear "So this is christmas..." one more time. O_o*twitch*

Yule isn't about any of these things. It's about celebrating that it is cold out, it is darker earlier, that the longest night has come, which means that the light is coming back. We will make it through the Winter to see the coming Spring. That you bring the evergreen tree inside the house, and you light candles on your Yule log to represent keeping the light alive within yourself as you wait for Spring's return. You use the crops you grew and harvested, the jams and preserves you canned yourself to help you survive the Winter (and with the costs of those presents out there, it might just come down to them too!) and help you stay warm and positive in these dark and cold times of the year. It is supposed to be able gathering with your friends and family to share what you have- food, light, love and laughter - to help each other stay positive and get through the winter together. That's why people have potlucks and presents this time of year, that's why there is the tree and the lights and the (supposed to be) uplifting songs. Yet I get so bogged down with trying to celebrate my own way, and trying to climb out of the Christmas pit I've fallen into, that I don't see that happiness, I don't feel that inner light. I'm just stressed from exams, pissed about being subjected to CHRISTMAS (if I could make this sparkley, neon flashing letters I would) all the time that at the end of the day, and come December 21st (or whenever the solstice is) I just want to sit at home alone and try not to punch the next someone who wishes me a merry christmas.

So my question to you, is how, for the love of the gods, do you find the Happy Yuletide in your lives, when you're so bombarded my Merry Christmas?

Frustrated.

So nobody is perfect. Pretty much a universally excepted fact. It's also a pretty common fact that friends come and go and you can tell the true friends by the way you act when you get back together after time apart. For me, most of my friends are like me in that distance and time doesn't really affect how we interact. I have friends from high school that I can go for 6 months without properly talking to, but the minute we get together we are chatting like we saw each other yesterday. Generally, I'm assuming from my past experience that this is just how adult friendships work. Distance makes the heart grow fonder after all.

Well apparently not. I went from being on the West End for 8 hours a day, and spending at least 3-4 of them at some friends' house and chatting, having fun etc, to school being done and not having a car, or the inclination to spend all my time on the other side of town. This has made me a bitch, a horrible person and an abandon-er. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm broke and can't get to the other side of town, and when I don't have much to talk about due to not leaving the house except for work and frat parties once a week, it doesn't make for thrilling conversations, so once you've said all you can, what else is there? On the same thought, when you can see and read all my updates on Facebook and here, and I see and acknowledge the 'like' comments to things, what is the point of reiterating? I just don't really get it. But apparently I'm free to walk out of my friend's life and no longer be the ride everywhere, or the emotional life-vest/psychologist trying to help wade through the medicinal haze of life as it was seen by my friend. However between tone, guilt trips and a post on here, I'm thinking that the offer isn't exactly open. At least not for a while.

On the second test of sanity for the day/night, I finally texted Emily since she showed no sign of contacting me, and apparently when she hung up on me in midsentence, it was to see how much I cared, and if I cared enough to call back. Meanwhile, I'm thinking ... I'll give her time to calm down, she'll call back when she's ready to talk. When asked to explain this - well I figured you'd call back if you really cared. SERIOUSLY? Could you be more of a girl?! Huh? No. Guess not. Seriously. And when asked to explain why she got upset with me in the first place, her response was, there's no point, we can't resolve this, and you just don't get it.


That's it. I'm giving up altogether. Friends, if you want to hang out, call me and ask if I'm free at a specific time... if I am, we'll make specific plans to hang out. ie Lizz - What're you up to tomorrow night? Nothing? Movie? Sure. K Cya Then. - Not hard to do. If it goes a while between hangings out, this doesn't mean we're no longer friends. It means I have a life, and I don't always keep tabs on all my friends. If I did, I'd be busy 25/9 and never sleep. Not over exaggerating, I just know that many people. So for those of my friends who haven't all ready banished me tonight. I'm just alive, I'm just reading a book, on Facebook, busy with life or studying for school. Feel free to call me and see what I'm up to. If you leave the ball in my court for too long I'll probably forget about it and wind up hurting you. So try the serve again, be a bit specific and have patience.

This has been my tired and exhausted and frustrated rant for the night. Have a good one.

-Sam

Stretching Time Spell

Stretching Time Spell

Pagan Spark

I've been thinking a lot about the past and my original circle and friends, and how much I miss the 'good old days'. I first learned about Wicca, Witchcraft and Paganism in, what - like grade 4. I bought my first spell book in grade 5, started working on visualizations and meditation with Sorina in grade 6-7, then kind of lost focus in high school. I remember calling up thunderstorms at recess in grade 8, but grade 9, I went to a different high school and lost my way, religion class was more like "Brainwash with Christianity" class. It wasn't until 2nd year university that I found my way again. I met Sarah, Amanda, Emily and Tovah, and in turn, my sisters. Sarah and Emily joined my sorority, I joined their study group and we all started to practice together.

It was a bit of a slow start getting all the stuff I'd read back into my mind, but after a while it all started to flow together we had meetings every week about a different topic, we held philosophical debates and discussions, we did full moon rituals in the backyard of the house that Amanda and Tristan/ Sarah and Richard lived in, and we all got to be very close friends. Then there was a big disturbance and our group fell apart, another one sprung up in its place, and I got to know some new friends, then Sarah moved back to Peterborough and Amanda and Tristan got married and now they've moved away, and it all just seems to be so long ago.

I just miss all the stuff we used to do, holding Sabbat and Esbat rits in the backyard, digging a new firepit, me waking everyone up at 6:30am on Litha with a giant noisemaker so we could go start the fire outside, sitting and talking for hours, writing rituals, debating about different pagan things. The stories and laughter echo in my mind and I miss it. I miss my friends that have moved away, I miss the rituals where we spoke from the heart and felt the energy coursing through us and the post-ritual fireside chats, still buzzing with energy and didn't want to go in to bed just yet. Or the making jam in Amanda's kitchen.

Maybe I'm just being too sentimental, but I just feel like I've lost my spark right now. I'm looking forward to Spirits of the Earth Festival next week though, so I can get myself grounded, see my fest family and try to get back my spark.

Memorials and Dedications

I've been thinking a lot lately about Clyde, and my tattoo and my future. With school starting soon, I've been thinking about getting my next tattoo done, but I'm not sure which one I want to get next. It's been a year since Clyde was put down, and I still haven't gotten the horseshoe tattoo I wanted to get dedicated to him done yet.

It was supposed to be a part of my first tattoo, the big one across my back, )O( and then have the horse shoe held by the vines comeing down from the full moon to hang just below it, with CLYDE inside it. But it didn't come out on the transfer, and I decided I wanted a separate tattoo done just for Clyde, on my ankle with the english ivy wrapper around my ankle.

The other ankle is going to have a ∆Z inspired tattoo on it, with the greek letters on the inside and a pink rose on the outside, with the english ivy once again wrapping around the ankle. My thoughts being that I want to get the one for Clyde done because it was a year ago he was put down in April, but given that I'm done University, and I'm a ∆Z Alumna now, it's fitting that I get that tattoo done before I move on to my second college experience - massage therapy.

I'm just not sure which one I want to get done first. I can't afford to get them both done at the same time, and I think I'd pass out from the experience of getting them both done at once. Also, I'd need to save up a while before I could afford to get another tattoo, since I'm already so far in debt, I can't afford to spend another $400 to get the two tattoos done, and I'd probably end up spending more, since it's technically two tattoos and my artist, Lisa, is kind of on the expensive side.

I guess I just want another piece done, but I don't know which is more important or fitting, getting the one for my sorority done now that I'm done school, as a dedication to my time as an active sister; or getting the memorial tattoo to my horse, and best friend Clyde.

Okay, I'll stop rambling now.

Cheers.