Week in Toronto

I had a really amazing week.

The drive up to pick up Brian was really rainy, but I got there safe, picked him up, rested a bit then drove back home, taught him how to work an ipod and he explained how the baseball divisions and leagues system worked, without making me feel like an idiot for not know it already. He met my parents, thought they were nice, and not crazy, like I kept saying. Wedding was fun, he got really drunk and there was a lot of dancing. Monday morning we got up and on the road by 1pm, we got back to Toronto by 6 or so. I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open on the drive back up because I was so worn out from the weekend.

He was saying his throat hurt so tuesday afternoon he went to the doctors and found out he had strep throat, which was when my throat was starting to hurt. So thursday I went to the doctors and got antibiotics, I'm feeling much better now, but for the first half of the week we weren't kissing because he was trying not to make me sick. But we watched baseball and movies and cuddled on the couch, and it was kind of like living together, go to work all day, come home and spend time together, then go to bed and fall asleep in each other's arms... except that I snored really badly because of the being sick, so that didn't last long. But he was really sweet and funny, even when sick he was still affectionate.

Went on the subway for the first time on tuesday afternoon and got to explore downtown Toronto, then went out for drinks, then he made me yummy dinner and we watched the Jays game, or rather he watched the Jays game, I read a book using him as a pillow and he had his arm around me. He even remembered that Glee was on and though he doesn't like Glee, he turned it on and went upstairs so I could still watch it. Then came back at the end of the hour and we watched a movie together.

Friday was the start of the Art Tour, so I got to go see different stores and art all over the West end, but i didn't have very good shoes for the walking so I only ended up seeing 2 or 3 of the sites. Ebbie showed up and we all hung out for a while and then picked up Tovah from the train station. She took forever talking and getting ready to go out that we didn't eat dinner that night. Went out to Neutral for Goth night, which was good. Got pretty drunk and tranced out on the dance floor, took a cab back to Brian's at 3am,went to bed. I was very hung over at 6am when he woke me up by coming in to cuddle when his alarm went off. Then he went to finish getting ready and I fell back asleep... found out later he'd fallen back asleep and was 3 hours late getting to his clinic in the morning. Tovah and I didn't get out of the house until 2pm so we didn't end up going to the art tour sites, and instead took the subway downtown and went shopping/sight seeing and touristy things. My feet are still aching from this... flip flops are not good for walking for hours around the Eaton Center and downtown Toronto. Took the subway home around 8pm, Tovah went out with friends and Brian and I stayed in to watch "Into the Woods" which was awesome. Cuddled and kissed... I started to get girly and so when I went to bed I pretty much ended up crying myself to sleep because I didn't want to leave. Woke up in the morning and said goodbye to Brian since he had to go to the clinic for the last day of the art tour and then he was going out right after work. Then Tovah and I got breakfast (mine sucked so I was still hungry all day) and then got on the road. Stopped in London to get massage lotion for Tovah and then finally got home around 6pm.

Still haven't really heard from Brian again, but I'm expecting he probably needs some time to readjust to not being responsible for someone else at his house or whatnot. Much deserved "me time" I would think. I took a shower and now I'm kind of exhausted.

This was my week.

What to write...

I don't update much, I know that. Lately so much of what is in my head isn't really coming out right in the real world.

I had a talk with my soul-sister Elizabeth the other day and she kind of gave me a mental shake and brought me back to reality. I've had so much stress and been thrown for such a loop with finishing my university degree and getting everything ready to go back to school in the fall for Massage Therapy and having the feeling of being drawn in half of wanting to be in Toronto but needing to be in Windsor at the same time... I just have felt so indecisive and unenthusiastic lately. It seems like the only thing I really get excited for anymore is talking to Brian, and seeing him online, counting down until I see him in person again and getting everything done for Will's wedding that the rest of my life has been pushed to the sidelines and my friends have been put on the sidelines. I think that the only reasons I've left the house in the last month has been to go to doctor's appointments, to run errands for Avon and Will's wedding, and getting the admission requirements fulfilled for CCHST for Septmeber. Otherwise I don't really want to leave, I'd much rather talk to Brian online than go anywhere. And since I'm going to be here for another 2 years at least, I really needed that shake.

I worked tonight and I have to work again tomorrow night. Then it's almost another week before I have another shift - Thursday night - hoping to switch from cooking to cashing so I don't ruin my manicure by cooking all night (wow does that sound girly, but it's a valid point - the wedding is Sunday, I can't fuck up $45 worth of work just to cook and clean all night) but I need to hear back from Mandy for that. Also, Friday night is the rehersal dinner, Saturday I make the drive to and from Toronto to pick up Brian to be my date for the wedding and Sunday is going to be stressful as hell. Then Monday afternoon/evening I have to drive Brian back to Toronto and I'm going to stay overnight and drive back Tuesday night - only problem being that work has decided to schedule me on Tuesday morning. Which is not going to work for me since I wouldn't have enough time to make it back to Windsor for work at 9am.

I think my biggest problem is that I really do find it hard to think rationally when it comes to Brian. I'm trying my hardest not to fall for him, to be smart and independent and not to become girly and miss him all the time. I made it one whole day without talking to him, and then at 11pm he text messaged me saying he missed me and his day sucked because I wasn't around. His exact words were "I'm at a friend's cd release party, surrounded by people I know, and the only thing I can think of is you." Which makes it really hard to not talk to him, since most of my day, even when I was in the states shopping for the dresses my cousins are now wearing to the wedding, I was thinking of him. Elizabeth says its an emotional rebound and I shouldn't get my hopes up, 'dont put all your eggs in one basket' and I'm trying to be mature and smart about it - I mean realistically I'm in Windsor for 2 more years, he's in Toronto and can't afford to travel much until his business picks up, which would be 4-5 years. I planned on moving to the GTA anyways before I even met Brian, so it's at least 2 more years before we could actually be a real couple, if that is where we are headed anyways. Long distance is ridiculously hard and not the best idea when I haven't even started school yet and I need to concentrate on getting good grades and really learning this material, since I need to know what I'm doing for the practical application of it to help people and not make it worse. So I can't be thinking about some handsome, smart, funny, addictive chiropractor man in a city 4 hours away from me when I should be learning about muscles and tendons and bones and neurology. That's the realistic side.
The emotional and completely oblivious side is screaming at me to get in a car and drive to Toronto now to see him and touch him and kiss and talk and laugh and enjoy being with him like I did on his birthday weekend. The emotional side says that there's no way that we could have this much in common, still enjoy talking to each other daily after4 months and miss each other after 12 hours of not talking, and be so attracted to each other for no reason at all. There's got to be some connection there, and for a non-emotional guy to say that he misses you, and he's had people get upset at him before for not missing them, that says something. We have the same sense of humor, similar tastes in music and movies, a love of baseball (though a competition in teams we love) and both book worms. It just feels right. Even as I fight it and try not to recognize all of this, to "take it day by day, don't get ahead of yourself" and joke around the point of fact, I still feel right about Brian. Which is weird as hell considering a year ago I thought John was "the one" (dear gods, where did you hide my brain during that year and a half?) but Brian is older, and seemingly at the same maturity level as me, maybe a bit more mature, but I don't feel like I need to change to be with him, I don't feel like I need to be someone else, more mature, skinnier, funnier, more outgoing. He likes me for me, quirky, curvy, tattoo and paganism and all. He accepts me, and he even says my crazy keeps things interesting (ie he thinks all females are by nature, mildly crazy, and I'm a bit weirder than most girls). I have to keep reminding myself to breathe and to calm down, and to stop pinching myself, because he's not just in my dreams now, though it sure feels like it sometimes.
I'm kind of scared to say/type it in case it jinxes it, but more than anyone I've ever met, more than some of my best friends, I seriously think I could happily be with him forever and never get bored or need time apart to find myself, or anything, even if we were just friends forever, not that I'd like that very much at my current frame of mind, but who knows what the future may bring. Fates are tricky, so who knows. But I need to go to bed and stop rambling or I might say something silly, like "I think I could be falling for him already" which would just be altogether dumb and I would prove to myself that I need to shower and go to bed.

So I'm just going to sign off before I say that. Goodnight world. Have sweet dreams and take it day by day.

Ciao.